Theros Soldier Tokens

Here’s one for the ladies…

I must say that I actually like the official soldier tokens for Theros, especially the red one, but I just can’t resist a Greek-themed set, so I made some of my own too.

Soldier TokenSoldier TokenSoldier Token

 

It’s Hector and Achilles!

Token Soldier Red 11a Token Soldier Red 11b Token Soldier Red 11c Token Soldier White 11a Token Soldier White 11b Token Soldier White 11c

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Parental Advisory Review – Theros

I’ve decided that I’m not interested in cataloging all of the instances of less-than-fully-modest clothing or gratuitous violence in a Magic set. I’m just going to highlight what I find particularly egregious, where Magic steps beyond what I would consider PG-13 (yes, yes, I know, some people have lower standards… so be it).

To start with, there’s the overly-sexualized Ephara’s Warden—cut that dress any higher or lower and we’d be seeing a lot more than we bargained for:

Ephara's Warden

This reminds me a bit of that movie 300, where the guys are just so buff they don’t even need to wear armor. But let’s keep it real: to be in the phalanx, you’re going to need upwards of 80 lbs of armor to do your job. An oversized loincloth is just not going to cut it—you don’t look tough, you just look like a fool (and a soon to be dead fool at that).

Phalanx Leader

The Traveling Philosopher just barely misses my cut.

“How low can you go…” Don’t you just love those dresses that cover all the way down to the ankles but only because they start below the shoulders—clearly the problem here wasn’t a lack of fabric, just modesty. Sorry, lady, but no one really wants to see 270 degrees of your sagging boobs.

Artisan of Forms

Here’s my winner for best “fan service” of the set. If that girl isn’t careful, her skirt is just going to slip right off altogether! Save it for the bedroom, honey.

Dissolve

Man, here’s the winner for most disturbing. That image just sticks in your mind and won’t easily go away. I suppose the artist might consider that a compliment.

Gainsay

It’s certainly a bad day at the office (or temple) when your dress gets swept away by the omens, and you find you forgot to wear anything underneath. Oops!

Omenspeaker

I know she’s a goddess (and thus doesn’t have to conform to mere mortals’ standards) and apparently incarnates as some sort of half-woman, half-sea serpent, but even she probably would like a little more support in the chest than a dab of the artist’s paint to keep it PG-13.

Thassa

Now that’s some strategic seaweed!

Triton Shorethief

Yes, that elemental is unencumbered by clothing as well—but somehow really well-endowed for someone unlikely to ever need to nurse an infant.

Vaporkin

Nothing left but a few rags down in the underworld I guess. At least she’s in the background, I guess.

March of the Return

Whatever the Theros equivalent of Mount Olympos is, it must be really warm there. I suppose we should just be grateful that Nylea’s donning more than Thassa.

Nylea

If she was a pure creature of the sea, I might accept that she’s barely covered in her ‘bikini’, but she has wings. I hope she doesn’t fly too high, or else she’s going to freeze her tail (and probably other parts, too) off!

Shipwreck Singer

A special comment on the Nymph cycle. I suppose as rather pure creatures of nature, we shouldn’t expect clothes, and each of the images has some strategically placed foliage to help keep things PG-13, but I do think a good artist can suggest the au naturel without showing so much skin.

Observant Alseid Nimbus Naiad Cavern Lampad Spearpoint Oread Leafcrown Dryad

To conclude, I will say, to its credit, that at least Elspeth knows that you’re most likely to survive a battle with more clothes on, rather than less:

Elspeth ElspethElspeth